Americans search for love after attacks; Family life: Career- focused people are shifting their priorities

A hard-charging investment banker, Debbie Young used to savorlife as a single woman in downtown Chicago. Now, after restlessnights contemplating terrorism and war, going solo has lost itsallure.

"I'm an extremely independent person," she said. "But you sit athome by yourself and watch the news on TV, and suddenly at 1 or 2 inthe morning, you don't want to be alone. I'm scared."

Using a matchmaking service, Young, 39, has intensified hersearch for a committed partner. She is one of countless Americanswho have found an incentive to redefine their romantic relationshipsand revitalize family ties in the shadow of terrorism.

Singles without a soul mate are seeking them. Parents withoutwills are writing them. Couples with conflicts are resolving them.

Not all the changes fit into neat patterns, nor are they allabout healing. While some spouses have abandoned divorceproceedings, new anxieties have hastened the breakups of othercouples.

But interviews with matchmaking consultants, marriage counselors,divorce lawyers and other experts make clear that the Sept. 11attacks - and the fears of more trouble - have instilled a deeperappreciation for the importance of family and intimate bonds.

"People are seeking marriage counseling significantly more thanthey were prior to Sept. 11," said Enid Norris, a family therapistin Stamford, Conn. "They're trying to work things out - they're muchmore conscious of the value of relationships."

Chicago divorce attorney Stephen Komie said business in Septemberdropped by more than 50 percent compared to a year earlier. ConnieBoysen, whose law firm in Overland Park, Kan., specializes indivorce, said even couples who are splitting up have become morecivil.

"In fights over custody, you could tell parents were trying topull together to calm kids," Boysen said. "When something like thishappens, it puts your own personal tragedies in a differentperspective."

There also is a keener sense of mortality, and perhaps a strongerdesire to make sure loved ones are cared for. Pamela Gorski, afamily law attorney in suburban Cleveland, said her divorce caseloadremains steady, but she reported a surging demand for wills,"particularly for people who are traveling."

Michael Yergin, director of the Premiere Connections matchmakingservice in Chicago, said his business has jumped dramatically.

"Since Sept. 11, we've seen probably the largest increase sinceI've been in the industry," said Yergin, who entered the field in1969.

Young is one of Yergin's clients. She has enjoyed a successfulcareer and freewheeling social life, but her outlook changed afterthe attacks.

"I still take my career very seriously," she said. "But since theincident, I realize there's more to my life than being at the officeevery day. I'd rather be poor and in love - I want to be withsomebody."

Another of Yergin's clients, graphics artist Lisa Renee Cecala,said her previously low-gear search for a mate has taken on newurgency.

"I have to admit, after Sept. 11, I've been sitting on my sofareally wishing I had that special someone to hold me," said Cecala,36. "I wish I was married right now."

Her girlfriends have reacted similarly, she said. One who had amultiyear engagement finally agreed with her fiance that the time totie the knot had come.

In some cases, the attacks have had the opposite effect.

Dail Metzger, owner of the Singles Network dating service insouthwestern Connecticut, said some clients have solidifiedrelationships since Sept. 11, while others have broken them off. "Iguess they realized it wasn't right, that life is short," she said.

Curtis McMillan, a professor of social work at WashingtonUniversity in St. Louis, has studied the aftermath of previousdisasters, including earthquakes and the Oklahoma City bombing.

"People report both positive and negative changes in theirrelationships," he said. "With people who are not yet fullycommitted to each other, they look at how the other person respondsto the crisis. You can get a sense of how compassionate they'regoing to be."

Leslie Freedman, a psychologist with offices in Stamford, Conn.,and New York City, has observed new concerns among suburbanites.

"People who commute to the city, leaving children in the suburbs,feel more anxious," Freedman said. "People who have the option totelecommute, or are able to leave work earlier to go pick up theirkids, are taking the opportunity."

As with previous major mobilizations, an upsurge of weddings hasbeen reported near military bases. But Jean Dent, minister at TheWedding Chapel in Nitro, W. Va. said there's also has been morebusiness from couples without a military connection.

"They are just waking up and deciding they are getting marriedtoday," said Dent, who has seen services jump from five a week tofive a day.

Phillip McGowan and Elza Chapa of Crystal City, Va., already hada wedding date set for December when the terrorists struck, killingChapa's mother, Rosemary, at the Pentagon. Instead of postponing thelong-planned wedding, the couple advanced the date to Sept. 20. Theceremony was attended by six guests instead of 125.

Anecdotes abound of parents gaining new appreciation for theirchildren, of young adults reconnecting with faraway parents, ofchildren showing new interest in their grandparents' memories ofWorld War II.

Don Browning, director of the Religion, Culture and FamilyProject at the University of Chicago Divinity School, says theattacks have powerfully shown how people turn to their families intimes of upheaval.

"This leaves us with a question," he wrote in a newsletter thismonth. "Does it take disasters to remind us of the importance ofgood marriages and vital families? Do we have to be scared out ofour wits to realize the essential value of these realities for ourlives?"

Copyright 2000 by Telegraph Herald, All rights Reserved.

Americans search for love after attacks; Family life: Career- focused people are shifting their priorities

A hard-charging investment banker, Debbie Young used to savorlife as a single woman in downtown Chicago. Now, after restlessnights contemplating terrorism and war, going solo has lost itsallure.

"I'm an extremely independent person," she said. "But you sit athome by yourself and watch the news on TV, and suddenly at 1 or 2 inthe morning, you don't want to be alone. I'm scared."

Using a matchmaking service, Young, 39, has intensified hersearch for a committed partner. She is one of countless Americanswho have found an incentive to redefine their romantic relationshipsand revitalize family ties in the shadow of terrorism.

Singles without a soul mate are seeking them. Parents withoutwills are writing them. Couples with conflicts are resolving them.

Not all the changes fit into neat patterns, nor are they allabout healing. While some spouses have abandoned divorceproceedings, new anxieties have hastened the breakups of othercouples.

But interviews with matchmaking consultants, marriage counselors,divorce lawyers and other experts make clear that the Sept. 11attacks - and the fears of more trouble - have instilled a deeperappreciation for the importance of family and intimate bonds.

"People are seeking marriage counseling significantly more thanthey were prior to Sept. 11," said Enid Norris, a family therapistin Stamford, Conn. "They're trying to work things out - they're muchmore conscious of the value of relationships."

Chicago divorce attorney Stephen Komie said business in Septemberdropped by more than 50 percent compared to a year earlier. ConnieBoysen, whose law firm in Overland Park, Kan., specializes indivorce, said even couples who are splitting up have become morecivil.

"In fights over custody, you could tell parents were trying topull together to calm kids," Boysen said. "When something like thishappens, it puts your own personal tragedies in a differentperspective."

There also is a keener sense of mortality, and perhaps a strongerdesire to make sure loved ones are cared for. Pamela Gorski, afamily law attorney in suburban Cleveland, said her divorce caseloadremains steady, but she reported a surging demand for wills,"particularly for people who are traveling."

Michael Yergin, director of the Premiere Connections matchmakingservice in Chicago, said his business has jumped dramatically.

"Since Sept. 11, we've seen probably the largest increase sinceI've been in the industry," said Yergin, who entered the field in1969.

Young is one of Yergin's clients. She has enjoyed a successfulcareer and freewheeling social life, but her outlook changed afterthe attacks.

"I still take my career very seriously," she said. "But since theincident, I realize there's more to my life than being at the officeevery day. I'd rather be poor and in love - I want to be withsomebody."

Another of Yergin's clients, graphics artist Lisa Renee Cecala,said her previously low-gear search for a mate has taken on newurgency.

"I have to admit, after Sept. 11, I've been sitting on my sofareally wishing I had that special someone to hold me," said Cecala,36. "I wish I was married right now."

Her girlfriends have reacted similarly, she said. One who had amultiyear engagement finally agreed with her fiance that the time totie the knot had come.

In some cases, the attacks have had the opposite effect.

Dail Metzger, owner of the Singles Network dating service insouthwestern Connecticut, said some clients have solidifiedrelationships since Sept. 11, while others have broken them off. "Iguess they realized it wasn't right, that life is short," she said.

Curtis McMillan, a professor of social work at WashingtonUniversity in St. Louis, has studied the aftermath of previousdisasters, including earthquakes and the Oklahoma City bombing.

"People report both positive and negative changes in theirrelationships," he said. "With people who are not yet fullycommitted to each other, they look at how the other person respondsto the crisis. You can get a sense of how compassionate they'regoing to be."

Leslie Freedman, a psychologist with offices in Stamford, Conn.,and New York City, has observed new concerns among suburbanites.

"People who commute to the city, leaving children in the suburbs,feel more anxious," Freedman said. "People who have the option totelecommute, or are able to leave work earlier to go pick up theirkids, are taking the opportunity."

As with previous major mobilizations, an upsurge of weddings hasbeen reported near military bases. But Jean Dent, minister at TheWedding Chapel in Nitro, W. Va. said there's also has been morebusiness from couples without a military connection.

"They are just waking up and deciding they are getting marriedtoday," said Dent, who has seen services jump from five a week tofive a day.

Phillip McGowan and Elza Chapa of Crystal City, Va., already hada wedding date set for December when the terrorists struck, killingChapa's mother, Rosemary, at the Pentagon. Instead of postponing thelong-planned wedding, the couple advanced the date to Sept. 20. Theceremony was attended by six guests instead of 125.

Anecdotes abound of parents gaining new appreciation for theirchildren, of young adults reconnecting with faraway parents, ofchildren showing new interest in their grandparents' memories ofWorld War II.

Don Browning, director of the Religion, Culture and FamilyProject at the University of Chicago Divinity School, says theattacks have powerfully shown how people turn to their families intimes of upheaval.

"This leaves us with a question," he wrote in a newsletter thismonth. "Does it take disasters to remind us of the importance ofgood marriages and vital families? Do we have to be scared out ofour wits to realize the essential value of these realities for ourlives?"

Copyright 2000 by Telegraph Herald, All rights Reserved.